i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
