when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
