im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
