I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
