you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
