May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
