Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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