at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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