I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
