At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
