I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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