apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
