Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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