you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
