It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
