Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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