i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
