It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
