bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
