This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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