You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize