i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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