I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
