I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
