your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
