I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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