Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
