maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
