i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
