I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize