i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize