I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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