Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
