ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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