your parents love me but you hate me
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
