Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
