Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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