i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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