we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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