I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
