I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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