My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
