I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
