I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
