threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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