i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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