I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
