i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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