i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
