I think I won the penis lottery.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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