You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
