I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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