1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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