i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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