the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
