peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
tell me about the eggs
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
