remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
