I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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