a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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