i may or may not be watching the land before time
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We need a shit load of segways right now
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
