i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
