So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
