just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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