That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
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