mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
