I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I would fuck him just for his dog
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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