sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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