There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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